My downfall was soon to be coming to an end. I got busted at 28 years old in a drug raid. I was so messed up on drugs when they took me to jail, I felt alone for the first time without satan. Satan turned on me and begin to tell me how I was no good. And how I was a loser and I believed him.

While I was in jail I prayed and I asked Jesus where are you at. Jesus told me He was right here. And I asked Him where have you been all this time. And He told me that He has been with me all the time. All I had to do was ask for Him. And he said why dont you take My hand and follow Me. And if you dont like it you can go back to what you want to do. I was released from jail.

I was given probation. I did not know how to be a believer by everybody's standards. Jesus was talking to me. Satan was talking to me. By this time I was confused, depressed, and ready to die. So, I would not have to listen to both of them. I felt like I was being ripped apart between the both of them. 

I continued to use drugs. And hoping I would die. I started seeing a shrink. I was an alcoholic, drug addict, self- mutilation of cutting, burning, tatooing, body piercing, satantist, occult, criminal, suicidal, on many meds, in and out of mental hospitals, and jails. 

A friend of mine was very concerned about me. And noticing I really needed to develope a relationship with Jesus Christ. He invited me to church to listen to this preacherman. 

And it took me serveral months before I would walk into a church building. Once I made the decision to go with my friend to chruch. We sit in the back roll. I felt very convicted and it made me mad. But I still knew it was the Truth. 

During this time of my life, I was trading baseball cards with a pastor friend of mine. And he never pushed Jesus on me. But I was drawn to his house because I felt love there. Still to this day I believe it was Jesus Christ and his Spirit of love that kept me going back. 

I begin to ask this pastor what is the Word of the day? And the first scripture he gave me that I ever heard with my heart, is 1 Peter 5:8. "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:" This was in the year of 1997. 

Soon the baseball card trading stopped. And I was drawn by God to bible studies and prayer meetings at pastor's house. I was getting more involved, and I liked it. I still have darkness glooming over me. I had an drug addiction. And Satan knew this was his last chance to keep me from truly serving God. 

I went to rehab, through prayer and fellowship, I learned how to forgive people I hated. Especially my real dad, who committed suicide, when I was 8 years old. I got out of rehab and did fine for about a year. 

During that time, I was involved with an orphanage, helping out. And I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour on December 22, 1998. I fell down a few times. I meet a woman. who was surpose to be a christian, that only used me. I was so hurt over her lies and rejection. I end up using, again. 

I was still on probation. I violated my probation 29 times and was sent to prison for 1 to 20 years. I spent 10 months in prison. 

While I was in prison. I had the time to get into Word of God and develope a relationship with Jesus Christ. The Lord used me to minister to others and protected me while I was there. 

I met a brother that came to the prison. He was part of a Prison Ministry. He helped me a lot with my walk with Christ. I also was praying for a Christian woman to help keep me in line. When I got out of prison my pastor friend introduced me to sister Ren. We were married on July 15, 2001. 

I realize today, that God uses people and places them in others lives, to help them grow in the Lord. I also realize that it was probably when I first met God, back in that jail cell, that I made the choice to hold His hand. Jesus has taken me and He is still molding me how He wants me to be. 

Today, I have a relationship with Jesus Christ. I am living the life that the Lord had always planned for me to live, before I was in my mother's womb. Through the good and bad, Jesus has shown me that He can always be trusted and that He wlil always love me no matter what happens in life. I am very greatful to be able to stand up and be called to testify of my Lord , Saviour, my Father and King, Jesus Christ. 

God bless, 

Brother Mike Baer

And overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not thier lives unto the death. (Revelation 12:11}

The Death:

Coming from an abusive background of many years. I can relate to the trauma it causes a person. The abnormal becomes normal and the normal is abnormal. By the time the abuse continues for years upon years, you come to a state of nothingness.

You do not know who you are or what you feel. Your afraid, full of guilt, shame, blaming others, worthlessness, afraid of people, places, yet you seek out ones who abuses you, because it is all you know. You dont know your picker is broke.

You dont know that you do not have the power to make ones love you or hate you. You can't seems to clear your thoughts. The cycle runs over and over through your mind and you have no control over anything anymore. Why is this happening to me? Why do I feel this way? What is wrong with me? Many many questions with no answers.

You tried men, sex, drugs, alcohol, self-mutilating, prositution, searching for something to fill the emptiness inside of you.

The child abuse ended when I was 14 with my parents, I was living on the streets. But in my mind it stayed haunting me for the next several years. I was thinking abuse is love. I knew no other kind of love. 

Suicide thoughts was always at the door of my mind. Tried but never succeeded. I wanted peace and love, but did not know where to begin. I was in and out of mental hospitals, jails, and abusive relationships. I grew up physically, but emotionally, spiritually, and mentally I was dead.

I was trying to look normal on the outside, when I was dead on the inside. My soul screamed out for love and acceptance. While I was in this state of mind, I could not see the problem. I could not see the solution. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Afraid to live and afriad to die. 

People spoke of hope, but I never believed this was possible for me. I was surround with darkness and I was scared.

I could not hardly leave my apartment, answer the door or phone. The voices I heard told me things I did not like and was unable to control them. It was torment day and night. No one seem to understand. Even doctors just gave me more meds, which made things worse for me. I was a zombie, dead, and numb on the inside. I cried all the time wanted the madness to end.

I believed I thought I was the worst person alive. I was so full of shame and guilt. I thought I was a failure at being a daughter, sister, wife, and mother. I could not keep a job. I got into many things and things I am not proud of.

I did not believe I had a choice to live or die. I did not believe I had a voice because no one heard me. I did not know someone knew me before I was formed in my mother's womb. I did not know I was loved. I did not know that every single tear that fell from my eyes someone heard each teardrop.

I did not know someone died for me so I could live. I did not know that I would die on Novemember 4, 1994 and go from a victum to being a surviver! I did not know I would go from a surviver to living in Christ Jesus, I did not know I would go from Living in Christ Jesus to walking in the Spirit. I did not know I would go from walking in the Spirit to being a God fearing women of God! My journey begins...

The Burial:

I speak of the day Jesus found me as my day of death. This is the day the madness ended. I died to myself, my will, my flesh, and to my sin. I wanted all this over with. I did not have the strength to live any longer.

Today, I was going to die. I was not going to live this way any longer. I thought of my children, but only felt they would be better off without me. The pain inside felt like millions of pieces of glass piercing my very soul.

I wondered if God would forgive me. I wondered if my family would forgive me. As my mind raced from flashback to flashback. I screamed out to God. I did not know why I called out to Him. I knew I had nothing to offer Him and He must hate me as well.

I had never done anything good in my life, that I could recall. I saw only pain in my past and I saw no furture for me. I said "Today, I am going to die and no one will stop me." With a box knife in my hand and pain in my heart, I began to slice away at my arms. Not once, twice, as many times as I could. times. 

Then I heard something, it was a voice, but not like any voice I had heard before. I dont know if the voice was audio or not. But I heard it. I remember seeing my life flash before me. From the time I was a small child to this day.

I remember seeing myself around 13 years old, lying in my bed crying, a few days after I had been molested again, and asking the Lord, to come and get me, to let me die. I knew who this voice was. It was the Lord Jesus.

He showed me where He heard my cries all my life. That He was there. Every suicide attempt, He was there. Every beating, rape, and tear, He was there. Every divorce, He was there. Every death, He was there.

He showed me where he had stopped the bullet when a gun was placed to my head and the trigger pulled, the gun jammed, and then the man who did this, turned the gun on himself and killed himself. Seem like this vision went on forever, although only a few moments had passed by.

When I awoke I wepted, but it was different then before. I accepted Jesus Christ that day. I saw the most beautiful blue sky, white clouds, and green leaves on the trees. It was like I was seeing for the first time. As if I was being born again.

I felt no longer empty inside but something had filled the void inside of me. It was Jesus and His love by his Spirit that entered me that day. I knew I was not alone. I said to the Lord, I am nothing, but if you can take this nothing and make it into something for Your glory, then I am yours.

I repented of all my past sins. And accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord & Saviour. I was burried and washed that day, covered by the blood of Jesus and washed by His blood. And I felt clean for the first time in my life. I was baptized in the Name of Jesus Christ. And soon would realize my newness of life and the baptism of the Holy Ghost. The purging begins...

The Resurrection:

Here I began my newness of life. I went from church to church trying to get fed. I would like to say this was found in the church building, but it was not. I received the baptism of the Holy Ghost when I was alone with the Lord Jesus.

Some accept the Death and Burrial and then stop there. There is more. Jesus will baptize you with Holy Ghost and Fire. As you begin to sit under the Comforter, and let Him teach you all things and bring to your rememberance the words of Christ.

You begin to grow and get impowered from on High. As you study His Word , the Holy Ghost plants and waters the Word inside you. The closer you walk to Him, the closer he walks to you. The more you give to Him, the more He gives to you. You give Him your old life and gives you a new life in Him.

I started to give to Jesus my guilt, shame, hatred, anger, depression, medications, aloholism, drug addiction, etc, etc, etc. And He started giving to me the fruit and Gifts of His Spirit.

My eyes were opening to the truth and I was learning who the enemy really was. The Spirit of the Lord Jesus was teaching me about His armour and how to be girded about with Truth. He was setting me free. The Truth makes you free from the lies of the devil.

I begin to see sin for what it really was. I started to see the evil and sins, that Satan kept me blinded from for so many years. Many dreams and vision began to come. I begin to ask for things that He had given to others in His Word.

I begin to see me in the Word of God. I was the woman at the well, I was the prositute at Jesus' feet, and I was the cutter that lived in the tombs cutting himself with stones.

I started to ask for strength, faith, dreams, visions, widsom, knowledge, and undersanding. This was a long tough road for me, because I had to relearn and be taught all over again by his Spirit.

The Lord was refining me and molding me into a vessel He could use for His glory. I had no ideal what plans He had for me but I begin to trust Him as the layers of my old life began to strip away. I developed a hunger and thrist for Him and His Word. I began leaning on the Lord and studied His Word night and day.

I began to become a God fearing woman. As well as prayed. I done alot of crying. I believe this is part of the healing. 

I began to realize that I still could not pick good relationships for myself. I realized the most important relationship was the one I have with Jesus Christ.

In 1999 I got a computer and internet. And begin to go to christian chatrooms. I was started helping in a chatroom called Jesus Is at MyWay Chat. I met my husband, Mike online in a chatroom at Yahoo. 

Problems and tribulation still come. But we have learned better how to overcome them. The Lord allows the tests so He can turn them into a testimony for His glory. And He takes our mess and turns it into a message.

We do not know what else the Lord has instore for us but we know that it is good because Jesus is a Good God. We can take the Lord's correction because we know He loves us. The Father knows what is best.

I can sit in His refiner's seat and let Him refine me. The Lord begin to refine me more by showing me my true place as a woman of God and as a wife to my husband. That I am to be a helper and obedient unto God and unto my own husband, and a servant unto the body of Christ. I desire to be a women of God, an obedient wife to my own husband and a servant to the body of Christ.

The Lord show me truth through His Word and I have accepted His will that His Word not be blasphemed. He is not done with any of us yet until we hear "Well Done, My good and faithful servants!" But what I long for is for Jesus to wrap His arms around me and say " I love you, daughter."

We have to stay teachable unto His Spirit. Study to shew thyself approved unto Him. Fight the good fight, finish the course, keep the faith, and stored up for us is a crown of righteous, that the Righteous Judge, Jesus Christ, shall give us in that day, and to all them that love His appearing!

Love in Christ,

Sister Ren Baer